


The Evil Little Toaster

by Lady_Nightshade



Series: Just Another Day in the Tower [17]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Tony shouldn't play god, evil toaster, sentient appliances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 07:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3842734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Nightshade/pseuds/Lady_Nightshade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes life with Tony is great.  Sometimes it's not so great.  Sometimes he tries to 'upgrade' appliances and they turn evil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Evil Little Toaster

**Author's Note:**

> I still don't own anything... sadness!
> 
> Just some fluff. It's rated teen and up for language- Clint has a potty mouth.

* * *

 

Sometimes life with Tony is great. He’s filthy rich and generous with his friends.  When things break (and they always do- between Tony’s tests on the Iron Man suits; Bruce’s hulk outs- Hulk is a nice guy once you take the time to know him, it’s just that he doesn’t know his own strength; Bucky’s arm; Steve’s… _everything-_ he can’t bank worth a damn- and the tower was _full_ of tight corners; Clint’s arrows-particularly the ones that ‘go boom’; and the lab explosions which almost always go boom; things tend to shatter, crack, explode, ignite, crumble, and all around just break) he fixes and or replaces them.  Usually without any complaint.  Well, ok, sometimes he complains.  But usually that’s just when one of the supers breaks the gym equipment.  At least, he _used_ to complain about that before he realized this would be a great opportunity to design some himself and then stress test them with a bunch of super heroes lying around (Tony just loves a good problem in need of solving). 

So life with Tony is usually pretty great. 

But sometimes, life with Tony isn’t so great. Like when he tries to ‘upgrade’ things.

He upgraded the oven once… it shot flames at the food like a flamethrower.  The chicken had been reduced to ashes in minutes.

When he upgraded the fridge, it started opening and closing the door at people like some sort of snapping turtle. For a while after that Bruce wouldn’t even go into the kitchen- he’d just order take out.

The tv Tony fiddled with became sentient and ended up developing an enjoyment for children’s programming and wouldn’t allow you to finish your show if Dora the Explorer came on.  It would just keep switching back over to the cartoon. One minute you’d be watching about the crisis in the east and the next you’d hear “Hola, Dora!” Jarvis had told Clint that the tv was also very rude to talk to.

And don’t even get Steve started about the ‘smart’ toilet.

Needless to say, the term ‘upgrade’ to Darcy now meant: ‘ _run for cover and pack yo bags- we leave yesterday, bitches!’_ Darcy counted herself lucky that she hadn’t been around for most of Tony’s upgrades.

Steve hadn’t been so fortunate _._   One day, Tony had made the toaster sentient… that had been a dark day.

It all started when the toaster broke. The warriors three and Sif were visiting and Thor was trying to show them Poptarts because… well, _Poptarts_. 

*

“My friends!  You must all partake in this Midgardian delicacy with me! It is beyond enjoyable! I wish we had such things in Asgard.”

All of the Asgardians huddled around the counter in a semi circle (a large one as they can’t seem to do anything small) and watched as their prince opened a small box and revealed shiny packets that made crinkle noises when touched. 

Excited, and maybe just a bit too full of pomp and circumstance (he admits nothing- Poptarts require ceremony when introducing them to new partakers) Thor unwrapped the Poptarts and put them into the toaster and then gently (“GENTLY, Thor! _GENTLY_!” “I did, Darcy! If I had been any more gentle then surly the lever would not have gone down!” “Then why is it broken _off_?!” “…Perhaps I could have been a might gentler…” “… If you’re planning on staying on Earth let me know- I’ll buy stock in toasters.”) set the toaster to toast.

The toaster lever did not stay down. Slightly proud that he actually pressed it down so gently that it didn’t work (he’d have to ask Jarvis to replay that bit of surveillance for Darcy later, once she and Jane came to live in the tower), Thor tried it again.  And again. And again.  And again.  The toaster was broken.  _Again_.  Thor sighed. He would probably be blamed. _Again_. But this time he was certain it was not his fault. 

“How many times must you press the lever before it is done?” Asked Sif.  Thor just looked woefully at her.  “…It is not supposed to do that…” she said, beginning to understand the situation.

Thor shook his head sadly.  “Nay, friend.  I believe the toaster is broken.  I can not make you Poptarts this visit…”

Seeing his prince’s distress, Volstag tried to comfort him.  He knew how food could affect a man’s joy.  “It is alright, my prince- Jarvis has ordered us a feast that he has promised will arrive within the hour!”

Thor nodded, disappointment clearly on his face. He’d been looking forward to sharing his first Midgardian food with his friends.  Jarvis had ordered an entire pallet of them just for the visit.

“Perhaps they can be eaten cold?” Sif asked helpfully.

Thor sighed again and nodded. It was true, they could be, but they were such wonderful treats when warm.  “It is possible, yes.  But they lose some of their enjoyment when cold.” In his opinion at least. Jane ate them cold all the time. But then, Jane would probably eat most food cold and uncooked if it were not a health hazard (or if not for Darcy). She just didn’t always see a point in spending time cooking when she could be spending time sciencing. Or with Thor. 

Hogun clapped Thor on the shoulder as he and Volstag ushered him out of the kitchen and toward the living room, Sif following behind with the cold Poptarts.  “In truth,” she said with a nod as she chewed, “these are quite enjoyable cold.”

Fandral watched as his friends left. Poor Thor.  The man had been through so much with his family and was still so pleasantly uncomplicated at times.  Fandral knew a lot of it was an act, of course- Thor was fiercely intelligent and an excellent warrior on the battlefield. But he was also a man of simple pleasures.  Food, drink, women (well, up until recently- it was now a pleasure of a singular woman. Fandral liked Jane. She was quick. Thor had chosen well). Thor was easy to figure out most of the time.  His motivations were usually for someone’s good.  That’s why the other three and himself fought so hard by his side- they wanted him to be happy and saw his need for a good support system. Being crowned prince meant you not only had responsibilities, but also enemies.  It is difficult for any one individual to shoulder it all. So they made sure that Thor always had others by his side.  That’s what comrades in arms do.  That’s what _friends_ do.   So as he watched the scene before him, Fandral got an idea.  Taking the toaster from the counter he quietly walked out into the hall.

“Jarvis?” Fandral addressed the ceiling.

“Yes, Lord Fandral?” Jarvis toned.

“Could you direct me to Tony, please?”

“Certainly.  Sir is currently in the labs with Airman Wilson and Captain Rogers discussing upgrades to equipment.”

Fandral smiled.  “My thanks.”

Fandral found them in the labs just as Jarvis had said. They were having a discussion about Sam’s new wings.  Fandral knew that both Tony and Sam could fly.  The fact that their flight was possible with machinery and not magic always made him smile. These Midgardians had such wonder to their inventions.  Asgard had ways of flight as well, but the machinery these two used was the most advanced in their current time on Midgard- both out of the mind of the genius before him. He was honored to know such a man, eccentric as he was (though with genius, Fandral knew, sometimes came… _oddities_ ). They all looked up and greeted him when he came in.

After pleasantries, Fandral held out the toaster in his arms.  “Friend Tony, it would appear that this silver device Thor has informed me is called the _toes-her_ has stopped working.  I do not know how valued an item it is, but I think my prince may weep for its loss.”

Sam and Steve both shared an amused look but Tony just rolled his eyes.  This was the 3rd toaster in the tower to suffer at Thor’s hands. 

“Big fella doesn’t know his own strength,” Sam smiled.

“I assure you, Prince Thor was nothing but gentle with it.”

“Well, he _does_ eat a lot of Poptarts.  Maybe he just wore it out?” Steve offered.  He was guilty of quite a few broken things around the tower himself.

Tony huffed and took the offered toaster, looking it over.  “I can fix it later,” he said before muttering,  “I swear. I’m going to upgrade this one so much he won’t be able to break it.”

Steve shrugged.  “Sure Tony, whatever you say.” He said dismissively as he began walking toward the door.  If Tony wanted to build a better mousetrap, let him- it would keep him occupied after he finished modifications on Sam’s wings.  “Come on Fandral, we can go borrow one out of one of the office break rooms until we can get a new one.”

Hours later after a happy feast of Poptarts and take out (which Steve, Sam, and Tony had been invited to join) something began to bother Steve.  He was sitting with his sketch pad in the common rooms when a thought occurred to him. When Tony had said he’d upgrade the toaster, he’d just meant that he would _fix_ it… as in fix it to make toast again… right?  Maybe reinforce the lever or the springs or the coils. But not… _upgrade_ upgrade it.  Steve shook his head. No, Tony wouldn’t do that. Not after all the other mishaps they’d had.  Tony wouldn’t… _Tony_ _would_. Dear god _, no_. 

“Jarvis?” Steve asked anxiously.

“Yes, Captain Rogers?”

“Please tell me that Tony is just fixing the toaster and not ‘upgrading’ it,” he said, actually using finger air quotes like he’d seen Tony do so many times before.

Jarvis paused.  “I do not believe you would like me to lie to you, Captain.”

“ _Aw for the love of_ \- Jarvis, where is he?”

“Sir is in his workshop.  If you plan on intervening, might I suggest you hurry? Sir has his mad scientist face on.”

Steve took off down the hall, crashing into a wall as he tried to turn a corner just as Clint and Natasha, back from a mission, stepped out of the elevator behind him.  Clint shook his head.  “Cap can’t bank worth a damn…”

“Jarvis, where is he going?” Natasha asked.

“Sir is upgrading the toaster and Captain Rogers is attempting to stop him.  Might I suggest that he may need back up?”

Both Natasha and Clint ran after him without a word.

Steve was fast. _Really fast_.  But the damage had already been done.  “Captain, I am afraid it is too late.  Please hurry, Sir requires help,” Jarvis said as Steve reached the right hallway. Jarvis opened the lab doors for him while he was still half way down the hall so that he wouldn’t have to slow down. Running into the workshop, the spysassins at his heals, Steve shouted at Tony. 

“Tony! Don’t-”

That’s when Steve saw the carnage. Coming to a halt, Steve took in the wreck that was the workshop.  Tables were overturned and wires, cogs, gears, tools, and even paper (since when did Tony even _have_ paper?) were everywhere.  Several of the wall mounted monitors were no longer mounted, some dangling, some smashed on the floor, one in flames. 

“Fuck,” Clint breathed out as he caught up, bow in hand.  Natasha pulled her weapon and began scoping out the wreckage looking for the threat.

“ _Tony_!” Steve called, running further into the space. 

Satisfied that the threat was no longer in the lab, Natasha grabbed a fire extinguisher and doused the flames as they began licking at the sofa in the corner.  DUM-E must have been hiding if he hadn’t put them out yet.  The fact that the bots were hiding meant that whatever the toaster had turned into must be terrifying.

“Jarvis,” Clint called.  “Where is he?”

Before Jarvis could answer, a cough had Natasha dropping the extinguisher and running to her left toward an upturned table and a pile of spare parts, Steve and Clint right behind her.  Digging through the mess an arm appeared moments before the rest of Tony. 

“Jarvis, report.” Steve ordered, as he hefted the remnants of a table off of Tony’s legs. 

“Sir is unharmed, though appears to be dazed.”

Steve picked Tony up and carried him to a cot that Tony kept in the lab.  Clint opened a bottle of water for him while Natasha grabbed a com and told Jarvis to get the others online.

“Tony,” Steve said, once the inventor looked a little more coherent.  “What happened?”

Tony rubbed his face.  “The toaster… I upgraded it and it-”

“ _Turned evil_?” Clint supplied.

Looking around the room, Tony nodded. “…Yeah.”

Clint shook his head.  “Jesus, Stark.  Didn’t you learn your lesson from the fridge?”

Tony crossed his arms.  “The fridge wasn’t evil! It was just-”

“If you say misunderstood, _so help me_ -”

“- _temperamental_.”

Clint gave Tony a look.  “Dalmatians are temperamental, Tony.  The fridge was fucking evil.  And now so is the toaster.”

“At least it’s over,” Steve said, trying to be positive.

Just as Clint was nodding, Jarvis spoke. “Unfortunately Captain, I am afraid that is not true.”

Everyone warily looked at each other. “What do you mean, Jarvis?”

“The toaster is still very much alive and roaming the halls of the tower.”

Steve crossed his arms.  “How is that possible?  The cord can’t possibly be that long.”

“It would appear that it no longer requires an outlet to function.”

Clint looked up at the ceiling in shock. Usually he didn’t look up when he talked to Jarvis, but he was so caught off guard he had to direct his incredulity somewhere.  “You mean to tell me the damned thing is _cordless_ now?”

“I am afraid so, agent Barton,” came the reply.

“So what do we do now?” Steve asked, already trying to think of a plan.

The three men turned when they heard the sounds of a gun’s cartridge being checked.  Natasha was standing before them pulling out various hidden weapons on her person. “We hunt.”

*

Jarvis had warned the others in the tower of the situation and had locked down the residential floors to ensure the toaster (“ _No Tony, we are not calling it ‘the brave little toaster’!”  “…What about ‘the evil little toaster’?_ ”) was unable to get out of the tower or come into contact with average people.  There were several bouts with it, mostly involving a lot of running and chasing (by both sides). 

“Holy shit!” 

“Woah!”

“ _Grab it! Grab it!_ ”  Sam shouted to Steve as he rounded the corner after it.

“No! Don’t grab it! It’s hotter than hell!” Clint shouted when Sif reached out.

“Thor!  It’s on Bruce’s lab level!” Natasha called into her coms. They’d split up into groups trying to catch it.  Thor had led a team to flush it downward to the others who’d been waiting for it. Thor and his team were currently on the other side of the building, having been left in the toaster’s wake (“ _By Odin’s eye! Tis swift!_ ”). Moments later the rest of the Asgardians joined them. 

Fighting in the hall was beginning to cause problems. Most of the team was on the larger side and hallways weren’t conducive to massive free-for-alls. Add the warriors three and Sif with their armor and things were starting to get cramped.  They had to avoid the toaster _and_ each other.  Clint couldn’t get a clear shot for fear of hitting one of the others, Natasha had almost clipped Steve, Steve had put several holes in the wall with his shield (and himself), Tony couldn’t fly through without knocking everyone down, and the halls were too narrow for Sam’s wings.  This was proving more difficult than any of them would have liked. And all Thor had wanted was a warm Poptart.

“Watch out!” Steve called as he pulled Fandral to safety.

“Friend Tony!”

Tony dodged the oncoming toaster and watched as it sped down the hall into the labs.

“Jesus it’s going after Bruce!” Tony called as they raced after it.

“Bruce!” Steve called, “Look out!”

The response that came from the labs rattled every glass surface in on the floor causing everyone to skid to a halt. “RAWWWWWWWR!”

“Shit, Hulk’s here.” Clint said over the coms. He’d managed to catch up and follow it into the labs before the others.

Suddenly there was a noise.  Well, there were many noises (such as the lab being broken by Hulk) but one in particular that they’d never heard before.

“What the hell is that noise?” Tony asked.

“Is that the… _toaster_?” Sam asked.

“Affirmative,” Clint said over the coms from inside the lab.  “Heads up, it’s coming out.”

The toaster came running out of the lab whimpering like a scared dog.  No one could blame it; Hulk could send anyone running scared. 

“Now’s our chance!” Steve shouted. “Thor! Hammer!”

Thor threw his hammer, smashing the small kitchen appliance.  Walking up to it, Thor looked down at the crushed toaster.  “My apologies, small one,” he murmured before crushing it several more times with the hammer, ensuring it was flattened and indeed dead.

*

The months that followed saw many more adventures, dangers, new enemies, and new friends.  Jane moved in with Erik and Darcy, and then later came Bucky. Tony didn’t seem the least bit interested in upgrading anything else and the team liked it that way… until…

“Hey Stark,” Bucky said one morning, walking into the common living room.  “The toaster’s broke. I think Thor’s gonna cry. He wailed something about ‘not again.’ Could you fix it or I don’t know, make it better?”

Tony got a gleam in his eyes. “ _Yes_. Yes I can definitely make it better than I did last time.  Last time was a fluke.  I’ll make it-”

There was a collective “NO!” before Tony could finish.

Everyone practically tackled Tony before he could get his hands on the toaster in Bucky’s arms.  Steve got to him first though and tossed Tony over his shoulder to keep him away from the toaster. 

“I’ll go out and just buy a new one!” Steve said almost frantically as he sprinted Tony away from Bucky.

“But I could make it better _faster_ than you can run out and get another one! And the one you get will be crap compared to what I can do!” Tony pleaded as he struggled and kicked from his position on Steve’s shoulder.

Steve huffed as he struggled to keep hold of Tony. “I’d rather suffer Thor’s tears than deal with another evil toaster!  I am NOT running away from another evil appliance, Tony!  _I am NOT!_ ”

Bucky stood there, watching the scene before him in confusion.  “So… that’s a no, then?”

Sam and Clint had both jumped between Tony and Bucky when they’d seen Tony going for the toaster in an attempt to tackle him. Sam shook his head and left, asking Jarvis to alert Thor that he’d go borrow one from one of the office break rooms again until Jarvis had a replacement delivered.  This time around they had Jarvis order several replacements. Pepper had to order Jarvis to restrict Tony’s access to their location (“ _It’s need to know, Tony_.”).

Clint turned to Bucky now and smirked. “Let me tell you a story while we toss that thing down the garbage shoot…” He said as he slung an arm over Bucky’s shoulders and led him and the toaster out of Tony’s reach.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is before Darcy, Jane, and Erik came to the Tower, which means this is also before Bucky came (in case you were wondering where everyone was). This started out as a throw away line in another story- J and I, and then turned into this. I couldn’t figure out what to have Jarvis call Sam, so if you don’t like Airman Wilson… well, then you don’t like it. Also, I couldn’t think of what to have Jarvis call Fandral… I think it’s kinda funny that he would the warriors and Sif Mr.’s and Miss but as much as it made me laugh, I instead called them ‘lord.’


End file.
